PHOTO: Franklin Towers
PHOTO: Franklin Towers

Vail Resorts Announces Their Biggest Purchase Yet

An unprecedented acquisition looks to put the company back on top

In some of the biggest news to hit the ski world since scientists proved that mustaches make you ski better, Vail Resorts announced earlier today that they have secured the rights to all North American snowfall for the 2018/19 season.

"We are excited to announce that every single snowflake that falls on North American soil next season will 100 percent belong to Vail Resorts," said CEO Rob Katz in a press release that went public earlier this morning. "Yes, that includes all three of Frosty the Snowman’s snowballs."

While talks of the purchase have reportedly been in the works for several years, Vail Resorts higher-ups were finally able to close the deal with Mother Nature over a still undisclosed amount. "I've been in charge of this damn snow for 4.5 billion years," said Mother Nature. "I'm getting old, my hot flashes are getting more and more frequent, and I'm just worn out. Those boys at Vail have been pestering me for years about this and they finally had an offer I just couldn't pass up. Fuck it, I'm moving to the Bahamas."

While pre-existing contracts will prevent Vail Resorts from interfering with the day-to-day operations of ski areas not directly under their control, their spokesperson says that under their new business structure, just the satisfaction of having every single ski resort and backyard sledding hill know that every inch of snow that falls on their mountain belongs to Vail is worth every penny.

Jackson Hole, Wyoming, one of the few holdouts not already owned by the Vail Resorts, negotiated an exclusive deal to receive royalties for its snow. Instead of cash, Jackson Hole executives opted to be reimbursed with cowboy hats and chaps.

"We are the Last of the Old West," stated Jackson Hole president Jerry Blann in an interview during brunch at the Four Seasons Resort. "And nothing says Old West quite like cowboy hats and chaps. Yeehaw!"

Outside of resort skiing, Vail Resorts' new venture will be their first big-budget foray into backcountry skiing and touring, a previously untapped market by the global empire. "Whether it's in the Tordillo Range in Alaska or the Green Mountains in New England, we're excited to welcome every skier that 'earn their turns' to the Vail Resorts family," said chief marketing officer Kirsten Lynch. "We want them to know that every powder turn they take and Epic face shot they get is all thanks to their good friends at Vail."

According to the press release, each and every public small town sledding hill will also now be included in the Epic Pass, with select blackout dates (including every second, third, and fourth weekend of the month, Wiccan holidays, and today) bringing the pass to an unprecedented 27,496 hills across the U.S. and Canada. Toboggan racing your buddies down "Dead Man's Hill" just out of town by that old McDonalds will only be an additional $34.99 (before tax) under Epic Mix Racing. Parking not included.

"Ya know, I think it's really great what the folks up at Vail are doing," says Linda Davis, avid sledder and mother of four from Pleasant Prairie, Wisconsin. "While $109 is a little steep for sledding day passes, I feel much better with those nice folks in yellow jackets handing ticketing teens that think they can just sled as fast as they want."

Vail Resorts has also announced upcoming Instagram regulations surrounding next winter's snowfall, citing an average of 98.7 percent of all skiers' Insta posts during the winter months must involve snow. "All winter-related posts must include at least one prominently displayed Vail Resorts logo and the hashtag #weownyoursoul," the press release states. "Those that do not comply will quickly be issued a cease and desist order and have their Instagram privileges revoked for the remainder of the season."

While the big announcement only includes North American snowfall, Katz says not to worry, plans are already in the works to jump across the pond to Europe as early as 2020. "While Mother Nature has been a pleasure to work with North America, she said she doesn't touch European snow, which is all under Ullr," Katz says. "Finding someone to translate ancient Norse has been a bit of a setback, but rest assured, soon enough we will own all of the snow, everywhere, forever."

In related news: Happy April Fool’s Day, skiers.