1. Telemark
Look, I understand that hippies can be annoying and the bindings always break or rip out, but you have to admit that at the end of the day it’s a cooler-sounding word than “randonee” or “AT.” Actual telemark skiing is flat-lining, so maybe we could re-purpose the word for something cool, like bindings that don’t break, or a turn that actually works better.

2. Piston Control
Really Marker? Is it an oil-dampened under-binding carving plate or an over-the-counter pharmaceutical treatment for male, um, pre-release?

3. DualTech
More like DelamTech, amirite? Those were busy years in the old warranty dept. at Rossi. DualTech skis were made from foam with a wafer-thin multi-piece plastic cap that would shatter from approaching within ten feet of a rock, clamping them too tightly in a roof rack, raising your voice, or hitting them gently with a down pillow. That said, they did ski well until they broke.

4. Aerospeed
Because aerodynamics matter so much that you need golf-ball dimples on your topsheets to reduce drag. This is from the same company that also called their flagship line that year the Metron Series, which sounds like a robotic overlord in some future dystopia. Submit to Metron, and use skis with dimples.

Aerospeed Technology sadly went down with the aforementioned Beta Technology, but at one point it was probably possible to buy a Metron Beta Aerospeed ski, which sounds silly as hell, and is presumably why the same company that owns Salomon also now owns Atomic, and Atomic’s skis have comprehensible one-word names like Automatic, Nomad, and Cloud.

5. Derbyflex plates
These were 90’s-era ultra-heavy metal and rubber binding plates for race skis that made your skis super damp and smooth (because they weighed about ten pounds each). They’ve since been replaced by lighter, sleeker systems, but none have a cooler name than Derbyflex. I might actually name my first child Derbyflex.

6. “Mid-entry” boots
The shitty fit and performance of a rear-entry boot, with all the buckles and annoyance of a front-entry boot! Not to mention extra cables and hinges to break and make it impossible for a bootfitter to work on.

7. Jet Stix
These were 70’s-era aftermarket extensions that attached to the rear of your boot cuff so you could lean back more aggressively in powder and pre-tension not just the ACL, but every single ligament in your knees.

Always open to innovation, and looking for more floatation before he invented the Spatula rockered ski, Shane McConkey tried something similar by building up the cuff spoilers on his Nordica Dobermanns, and promptly blew his knee. Someone will no doubt resuscitate the idea again one day—and they will blow their knee very shortly afterward. Still, you have to admit that “Jet Stix” sounds cool.