Chairlift loading order on powder days would be determined not by who shows up first, but by an intricate system of style points that would encourage creativity and levity. Instead of rewarding those tedious people that camp out in line at six in the morning, first chair should go to the guy in the assless chaps on a monoski.
Ski towns would generate green power by running the local dogs on a giant hamster wheel.
When someone says, "I'm going on a cleanse," it means they're going to restrict themselves to bacon, cigarettes, and bourbon for three days.
There would be a semi-truck with a car-carrier trailer slowly lapping Teton Pass to provide mobile parking because not parking like a jackass is evidently much more difficult than shredding the gnar.
There would also be a service where you could rent a giant diesel dually pickup truck with a dead deer in the bed and American flag bumper sticker to drive around Boulder, Colorado, and agitate the locals.
Vail, Colorado, would be forced to host the hippies of the Rainbow Gathering until it loosens the fuck up, man.
Rich kids from Connecticut who move out West would be sanctioned if they claim to be from Vermont, even if their parents have a condo in Stowe.
Aspen shall be forced to change it's name to Assspen.
Hashtags would be banned from all ski-related internet postings.
Airbag backpacks would come with a built-in weed vaporizer.
There would be such a thing as yoga for men. It would be called broga.
Second homes in ski towns unoccupied for more than six consecutive months would immediately be added to the local affordable housing inventory or chopped up into firewood.
In addition, owners of giant-ass slopeside condos with sweet decks and hot tubs shall be contractually obligated to hold killer après-ski parties at least three times a month and always on Saturdays.
Every genre of competitive ski events, from halfpipe to big mountain freeride, would have a mandatory super G component where everyone competes on a pair of super G skis.
Elon Musk and DPS Skis would be forced to build a new game-changing generation of hemp carbon-fiber solar-powered electric helicopters optimized for high-elevations and cold weather.
Men who make defensive sexist comments about Lindsey Vonn wanting to race against men in the World Cup wouldn't be allowed to say shit without first demonstrating that they can get down a World Cup DH course on Lindsey Vonn's DH skis.
Bindings would make some kind of funny sound when you double eject.
The world's best scientists and engineers would work together on a Manhattan Project-style effort to eradicate breakable crust once and for all, design a bionic knee, and combat boot stench.
Two words: Jacuzzi Chairlift.
Red Bull would be forced to relabel its product as "Meth Juice."
Shane McConkey would be on the new $3 bill.
Après ski would be both mandatory and free.
Donald Trump would be sentenced to spend the rest of his crooked-ass life skiing breakable crust in the thickest trees in Vermont on Lindsey Vonn's DH skis.
All jam bands and jam band-related activity, such as hoola-hooping and hacky sack, would be restricted to a 50-mile radius around Summit County, Colorado.
To make up for decades of alcohol-related fascism, all beers served at Utah ski resorts must come with a free shot, liberally poured without that stupid-ass plastic blockage thingy.
Also punishable by being forced to ski on Lindsey Vonn's DH boards:
-Parallel skiing all day on tele gear
-Farting in the tram
-Postholing in the goddamn skin track
-Leaving dog shit in the goddamn skin track
And finally, Lindsey Vonn would indeed ski against the men in a World Cup downhill… on a monoski while wearing assless chaps.