Horoscopes by Hans Ludwig, Astrologist*
This story originally appeared in the December 2019 (48.3) issue of POWDER.
*These highly accurate readings are not based on the traditional zodiac, but instead on a way more ancient Alpine astrological system that was recently discovered when a 3,000-year-old wooden constellation chart melted out of the Mer-de-Glace in Chamonix, France.
Sign of the Great Tram
(November 22-December 21)
The mighty trams, or in European, téléphérique, require serious maintenance: it’s easy to take your steady everyday performance for granted, but neglect can lead to catastrophe. Just as the tram operator must inspect cable splices, grease bullwheel bearings, and torque all bolts to spec, this month you need to perform routine maintenance and inspections. Check your binding screws and the brake pads on your car, service any open bar tabs around town, be nice to your boyfriend but not so nice that he gets suspicious, replace the batteries in your beacon, and clean your bong. There’s no such thing as a small problem with a tram.
On the other hand, a simple roof tarring job caused the entire base station of the Gran Montets tram in Chamonix to burn down, so maybe just let it all slide and go spin some laps.
Sign of the Snorkle
(December 22-January 19)
If you followed last month’s shredological advice and propositioned hot randos on lifts while quitting your job to start a heli ski company, things should be going pretty well. If not, the stars are no longer aligned, that cosmic window of opportunity has closed forever, and you should probably just catch up on house cleaning or television.
Sign of the Lift Op
(January 20-February 18)
With Saturn approaching perihelion this month, this could be an auspicious moment for a pilgrimage to a holy place: Utah! Recenter your spiritual alignment with the Tabernacle, deep powder, 3.2 beer, and questionable smells in the Snowbird tram.
Sign of the Zipper Line
(February 19-March 20)
This month you’ve got to fight the urge to get in the astrological back seat or you’ll ride your tails right into spiritual shin bang. Life’s bump runs can be daunting, but the only way to grease a zipper line is by maintaining a forward stance and tip pressure no matter how deep the rut. Or just take the groomer down.
Sign of the Billy Goat
(March 21-April 19)
It’s low tide on the technical steeps of the astrological plane this month—pick your line carefully lest you find a hidden rock and incur a karmic coreshot, spiritual edge damage, or even a metaphysical blown sidewall and delaminated topsheet.
Sign of The Salomon 997
(April 20-May 20)
Savvy international traveling skiers have known for years that the 997 toe spring can be removed to provide a virtually undetectable location for contraband. What spiritual contraband are you smuggling in your karmic toepiece housing this month, and can I have some?
Sign of the Powder Eights
(May 21-June 20)
Last month, if you followed our zodiacal guidance, you pierced your nose, went monoskiing, and adopted a strict pescatarian diet. This month it’s time to get back to doing what you do best: happily hooting while noodling low-angle pow turns with a friend. Metaphysically speaking.
Sign of the GS Gate
(June 21-July 22)
Alberto Tomba, one of the greatest GS skiers of all time, once said, “I used to have a wild night with three women until 5 a.m., but I am getting older. In the Olympic village here, I will live it up with five women, but only until 3 a.m.” Like Tomba, you must pace yourself this month and only live it up until 3 a.m. for maximum performance on the astrological race course.
Sign of the Jacuzzi
(July 23-August 22)
A solo session in the jacuzzi is nice, but it’s even more fun with friends. This month, seek joy in the warmth of companionship: attend a church group outing, local happy hour, or intimate evening with Alberto Tomba.
Sign of the Rope Ducker
(August 23-September 22)
Maintaining a low profile is crucial to poaching OB laps and achieving your astrological goals this month. You just might pull this one off, but only if nobody sees you. And, unlike Alberto Tomba, don’t talk about it afterward.
Sign of the Double Ejecto
(September 23-October 23)
Now is the time to strike! Back off the tension in those heelpieces and point it at whatever big compressions and flat landings are lurking out there in your astrological path. Savor the click-click of the simultaneous release and the serene moment of supermanning through the air before you scorpion.
Sign of the Free Heels
(October 23-November 21)
With Regulus and Cassiopeia leaving the House of Rossignol, this is an auspicious month for storm day tree skiing, poaching killer parking spots, and building out the back of your pickup. But beware the influence of Mars—spiritual chunder, even breakable crust, lurks out there this month for Telemarkians.
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