PHOTO: Alexa Miller

1. ChapStick: Melted, affixed to several half-dissolved ibuprofen and a bent wicket.

2. Condom: Unused, probably no longer reliable.

3. Handkerchief: Crusty, stiff, because that nose doesn't wipe itself.

4. Ziplock bag: Well-used, with, as far as Mom is concerned, traces of nothing but skunky oregano.

5. Receipt: Crinkled, for the regrettable total of $132.57, time stamped 1:37 a.m.

6. Bacon: Stale, still delicious.

7. Plastic gnome toy: Don't remember.

8. Ben Franklin, wadded: Dammit, just a George Washington. Add it to this season's beer fund.