BY: Emma Walker
Super Giant Yardsale: Judged on sound effects upon landing and spread of skis, poles, and goggles. All equipment must detach or no score is given. Bonus points awarded for items that land more than an arm’s length away. Judges love it when competitors stand up, shake off the snow while looking around to see if anyone saw that, and sheepishly yell, “Caught an edge!”
Sideslip Skiing: Timed event. Takes place on an icy slope between 40-55 degrees in steepness. Five-second penalties given for rocks hit, long pauses to rest quads, and any change in direction that isn’t a timid kick-turn.
Pieathlon: Similar to existing Biathlon event (Nordic skiing + target shooting), but neither Nordic skiing ability nor shooting accuracy is required. Instead, as in the beloved traditional Brew-ski event, participants ski laps on a circuit, pausing between laps to consume slices of pie. The event continues until only one participant has not puked; top three finishers are medalists.
Downhill Peeing: Athletes fuel up with two or three thermoses of coffee in the car on the way to a windy ski hill, then spend the entire outing looking for decent spots to pee. (This event may see new regulations in coming years limiting permitted types of Female Urinary Devices.) Judged on the ability to pee with skis on and the number of droplets left on your boots.
Freestyle Instagramming: Participants hit the terrain park, where they make their long-suffering significant others do 47 Boomerang takes of them biffing the same trick. Once they’ve finally nailed it, athletes have 20 seconds to get that baby up on Instagram with a clever caption and appropriate hashtags. Additional points awarded as likes accumulate and depending on whether SO is still around by the end of the season.
Lodge Luge: Competitors race to the bottom of the hill in a desperate attempt to make it to the bathroom in time. The pros stash their skis in a spot they’ll remember later, then—with ski boots tightly buckled—hurry up the icy metal steps and into the bathroom. This event is judged on style, but you wouldn’t believe how many experts slip and have to grab the railing.
Moguls: Gone are the days of skiing bumps like an old-timer—competitors definitely don’t need their knees zipped together for this one. This mogul competition takes place off the slopes at the local ski town bar of your choosing. Support crew help athletes spot the rich and famous (varying point values are assigned to real estate, fashion, and other types of moguls). You know where this is going.
And, of course…
12-Ounce Curling: Unlike its namesake, this one’s pretty straightforward. Judged on the number of low-gravity beers consumed while sitting on one’s tailgate after an exceptional powder day. Bonus beers awarded for Best Exaggeration (“The snow was up to HERE!”) and Best Yardsale Reenactment.