Skier: Daniel Loosli. PHOTO: Ahriel Povich
Skier: Daniel Loosli. PHOTO: Ahriel Povich

8 Things Vail Can’t Buy

Vail Resorts goes on another spending spree, but money isn't the most important thing in the world

1. My dog.

2. Roadside beef jerky, because here’s the thing: If corporations are people, and people drive cars, then Vail drives a fancy convertible Porsche. And people who drive fancy convertible Porsches are too high brow and insecure to stop and engage that sketchy-looking dude wearing a ratty tank top smoking rollies and hocking dried meat sticks under a striped umbrella on an old stretch of pavement outside of Leadville.

If Vail did stop to peruse a finely peppered strip of locally harvested elk, they’d learn that the guy selling it is actually pretty cool and has lots of colorful stories, like about the one time he got so blazed at lunch he forgot where he put his skis so he just grabbed any old pair and felt really bad about taking somebody else’s skis but when he came to later on he discovered that, lo and behold, the old pair of skis were actually his own! Oh man, was he relieved!

But no, Vail won’t hear this story because they can’t be bothered to slow down their Porsche long enough to buy some beef jerky on the side of the road.

3. All the fish in the sea. I mean, that’s not possible, is it? Every single fish? Not possible.

4. A good party. To throw a good party, the first thing you need to have is a sense of humor.

5. A sense of humor.

6. Canada. At least, we hope not.

7. The penitence to earn back Shane McConkey’s forgiveness for banning him for skiing naked down a mogul field.

8. Love. Just can’t buy it.