As soon as that first auburn leaf hits the frosted ground, you can feel the anticipation in your bones. The air feels sharp on your lungs as you inhale. Winter is so close. It’s time to hurry up and wait for that first snowflake to fall from the sky, but it doesn’t hurt to push Mother Nature along. It’s a long tradition to pray for snow—for deep, fluffy, cold smoke that you’ll be telling your great-grand kids about. Here are eight ways to *scientifically ensure a blessed season.
1. Fake it ‘Til You Make it
It’s easy enough. Dust off your gear, give your base layers a good wash to rid that musky smell, and wax and tune up your skis. Then, suit up in all your gear, boots included, and watch Greg Stump’s Blizzard of AAHH’s. The more positive vibes you send out, the more the universe is going to think, “Hell yeah, it’s going to be a good year,” and will throw the goods right at you.
2. Sleep With A Spoon
The origin of this practice is unknown, but it has a reputation of bringing in storms that will make your heart skip a beat. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so stick that utensil under your pillow. It’s like the tooth fairy for adults, and instead of quarters, you’ll gain your wealth in face shots.
3. Pray To Ullr
Get out your horned viking helmet from those college days and pray to the Norse God of Snow himself. According to legend, Ullr is the god of archery, war, and, most importantly, winter. When it’s hurling snow, you have this guy to thank. And when it’s not, it’s him you have to beg. Build a shrine and say a little prayer.
4. Give A Sacrificial Offering
If Ullr doesn’t respond to your praise, you’ll have to step up your game with a sacrifice. But save a goat and burn some skis. Grab your old straight skis from a bygone era, build a bonfire, and burn, baby, burn.
5. Drink Up
While you’re offering up your old gear to the fire and beyond, kill two snowbirds with one stone by getting rip-roaring drunk. Crack open a PBR, knock back a shotski, and serve up hot toddies. There’s a *scientific explanation as to how alcohol consumption alters weather patterns, but it’s complex and takes hours to explain. Just take our word for it.
6. Give Your Skis Some Love
Sleeping with your skis has actually been known to trigger early snowfall. Show your skis your eternal adoration with midnight cuddles and loving caresses as you doze off, dreaming about sinking into the depths of waist-deep powder. Your significant other will understand. Or just sleep on the couch. Either way, you know what’s important.
7. Do A Snow Dance
Booty shaking, swing dancing, break dancing, moon walking—it doesn’t matter how you do it as long as you’re rockin’ to the sweet tune of first-chair freshies. People have been shuffling their feet to influence weather dating back to the Mayans. Please be careful not to confuse this with a rain dance. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
8. Celebrate the Solstice
December 22 marks the winter solstice. If your previous attempts to appease the Lords of Ski have failed, throw a solstice party like the rapture is going down, and sure enough, you’ll be ripping through powdered sugar by Christmas.