To: All Contacts
Cc: Kelly in accounting
Subject: [Auto Reply All] Out of Office
What you write:
Hi, thank you for your email. I am currently out of the office without access to email. However, I will reply as soon as I return next Monday. If you require more immediate assistance, please email Kelly in accounting. Thanks for your patience.
What you mean:
Yes, I got your email. No, I'm not going to respond today because I am currently out of the office taking that ski vacation I've been talking about for two years. I deserve this, damnit. Of course I have access to my email. (It's 2018! There's Wi-Fi everywhere.) However, despite the "high priority" status you placed on your message asking me for the conference call dial-in code—again, Carol???!!!—I am unlikely to find it urgent enough to tear me away from my "Eat, Pray, Love" moment. I intend to breathe the fresh mountain air, commune with nature until my snot freezes solid, and log enough vertical feet to help me forget I spend 60 hours a week in a cubical.
Sure, I'll be able to read your emergency request for my "topline thoughts on the client proposal that needs to be sent out by EOD" while the technician at the rental shop takes his sweet-ass time adjusting my bindings. He smells funny, and has been giving me the side eye since I asked him to set my DIN above the recommended 6. Can you believe I had to sign a waiver for that shit? I thought about calling legal back at the office for consult, but I'd rather not tip them off that I've got full bars on this new Super 6 chairlift with heated seats.
Plus, it's snowing again and my fingers are way too cold to use my phone. That is, until I get the perfect scenic shot to post on my Instagram with the caption, "Take a course in good water and air; and in the eternal youth of Nature you may renew your own. Go quietly, alone; no harm will befall you." #JohnMuir. Thanks for that one, BrainyQuote.com.
If your email requires a reply before my return to the office next week (and let's be honest, I'm probably going to delete anything more than two days old) you might want to reconsider your priorities because nine out of 10 times you could answer your own question, Dennis. Try harder. Regardless, if you still can't figure out the difference between net and gross or how to Google it (How did you get this job?!), please email Kelly in accounting while I finish this plate of nachos and flirt with the bartender. When in Rome, amirite? It's really nuking outside now and with any luck my flight home will be canceled until further notice. Best case, I won't have to come into the office nursing the hangover I know is coming after this third round of fernet-branca. Cin cin!
You're just going to have to figure it out without me.
See you never,
This story originally appeared in the November 2018 (47.3) issue of POWDER. To have great stories like this delivered right to your door, in print, subscribe here.