Ask The Jaded Local

Readers write in their most pressing questions to the surly vet

Jaded Explains it All. PHOTO: SCOTT MARKEWITZ

This story appeared in the October issue.

Q. Who is the best all-around skier right now?
Jimmy Ryan
Via Twitter

Jimmy, the best skier on the hill is the one having the most fun. Currently, that's whomever is skiing with 1994 Olympic gold medalist Tommy Moe, because Moe—nicknamed the Labrador for his ceaseless stoke—is widely acknowledged to be the funnest person in the world to ski with. Next question.

Q. What is your favorite ski movie of all time?
Tony Scicutella
Mountain Creek, New Jersey

Der Weisse Rauch, starring Leni Riefenstahl and Hannes Schneider, which also happens to be the first ski movie of all time. (I'll have that fact-checked once I get my intern, Source.) Progressive sidecountry freestyle in deep Austrian pow, cliff hucking, straightlining, a hot Nazi, and the man who invented the frickin' alpine turn. Top that, Mike Douglas.

Q. What are your goals for the upcoming season?
Meredith Thomas
Ogden, Utah

Hi Meredith. First off, goal-oriented behavior is a known Avalanche Attractor, so I try to maintain a zen-like state of total goallessness. But I do have whims:
1. Not die. Or blow my knee again.
2. Clean out the back of the pickup.
3. Ski at Obergurgl, Austria, because that would be Obergurgling.
4. Ski with Tommy Moe and, therefore, be the best skier.
5. Double-daffy on a monoski.
6. Finish my novel, Spiritual Mustache Ride: Couloir of the Damned.
7. Talk Source Interlink Corp. into providing a corporate card and an intern to keep the bar receipts organized and carry my skis up the booter.
8. Speaking of which: Meredith, have you ever watched the sunrise from the top of an Italian couloir? Meredith? Meredith? Bartender!

Q. How did you get this job? I want to work in the ski industry. Any advice?
Boulder, Colorado

I got this job by doing construction and eating ramen for about 10 years so that I could afford to go on scary backcountry missions and write about it. Eventually, most of the competition got smoked or washed up, and now I'm a Senior Correspondent, making almost as much as I used to make banging nails. And that's a Success Story. For more on this, pick up a copy of Spiritual Mustache Ride: Couloir of the Damned.

Q. I ski back East. After last season, is there any hope?
Dave Clohessy
Middlebury, Vermont

No, Dave, not really. Global warming, plutocrats plundering the land like hogs at the trough, a clunky transmission, June Mountain closing… We're screwed. There is one tiny chance, though: solar powered electric helicopters made from renewable hemp carbon fiber. If we band together and initiate a nationwide Manhattan Project-type effort, we could build the infrastructure of a new green economy: sustainable heli drops all across the land. America, the time is now.

Q. I'm a level two skier. What should I set my DIN at?

Mark Wetherby
Via Facebook

Set your DIN to irrational numbers, like the square root of negative one, or π. If you double-e, you might actually tear the fabric of the space-time continuum.

Q. Have you always been jaded? What made you this way?
Cody Phinney
Boise, Idaho

1. Flat light, avalanches, pass-scanning cattle gates, people who want to work in the ski industry, using the word "progress" as a verb, my bar tab, Intrawest.
2. I'm not the only one. True story: An expecting first-time father asked one of our former editors, a parent, if having kids was the best thing in his life. The former editor lunged at him, threw the surprised questioner against a wall and snarled, "No! Look, I love my kids, but heli skiing is the best thing in the world."

Want your questions answered by the Jaded?
Send your questions to: Mount Shredly: Locals Only, 236 Avenida Fabricante, San Clemente, CA 92672. He'll be more likely to respond with vigor if letter is accompanied by a chilled bottle of Tuaca. (We're not joking.) And we'll be more likely to send Mount Shredly stickers if a self-addressed stamped envelope accompanies your hard-hitting questions.