AILMENT: Alopecia Capitis Totalis
CAUSED BY: Genetics, wearing a hat every day since you were 10 years old.
SYMPTOMS: Thin to no undercover; sudden urge to do a comb-over; forgot your hat one time and got severely sunburned.
AILMENT: Separated Cornea
CAUSED BY: The Jerry Sword, a.k.a sudden backward thrust of a ski pole tip, often striking from above as you climb the stairs to the tram.
SYMPTOMS: Redness; swelling; itching from your eye patch.
AILMENT: Huck Neck
CAUSED BY: Fat to flat.
SYMPTOMS: Difficulty looking over shoulder to load the chairlift; difficulty putting back a few beers at après; difficulty break dancing at Disco Night.
AILMENT: Huck Face
CAUSED BY: Going way too huge where, upon impact, one's knees go immediately and violently into one's own face.
SYMPTOMS: Fractured nose; fractured eye socket; loss of teeth; bruised ego.
AILMENT: Traverse Butt
CAUSED BY: An insane amount of sidestepping. See Alta, Utah; Steamboat Springs, Colorado; Jackson Hole, Wyoming.
SYMPTOMS: Large swelling and soreness on one side of the hip, glutes, and/or quad; severe atrophy in counterpart.
CAUSED BY: Flatulence released, often anonymously, in a crowded tram, leaving you and others with no recourse but to inhale the awful byproduct of a ski bum's regrettable diet.
SYMPTOMS: Uncontrollable gag reflex; burnt nose hairs; sore throat; teary eyes.
AILMENT: Lift Ticket Lip
CAUSED BY: The thwap thwap of a lift ticket on one's lip, often sustained by tourists who, upon seeing a zipper pull at the bottom of their jacket, think, Perfect! I'll put my ticket there. Whereupon they zip up their jacket and find the ticket now sits right in front of their mouth.
SYMPTOMS: Angry sores developed during high-speed sketchy downhills. In extreme cases, chipped teeth.
AILMENT: Bruised Cranium
CAUSED BY: Swift downward strike of a safety bar on top of one's head, often perpetrated by those from out of town, especially Europeans.
SYMPTOMS: Bit tongue; blurred vision; loss of positive outlook on life.
CAUSED BY: Friends and/or acquaintances who always feel the need to one-up you, typically occurring in bars or other social gatherings.
SYMPTOMS: General annoyance; slow erosion of self-esteem; irrational need to constantly prove one's self. Severe cases may lead to Huck Neck and Huck Face.
CAUSED BY: A long-term front-row seat to witnessing the continued decline of moral, ethical, and community standards of one's local ski resort. Condition grows more acute with age, alcohol, and never-ending ridges of high pressure.
SYMPTOMS: Constant need to complain about everyone and everything; lack of motivation to catch first chair ever again; reluctance to speak when spoken to, but may be heard uttering low primeval growls about things being better "back in the day."
CAUSED BY: The world as we know it, as viewed through the warped prism of social media. Also, pro skiers.
SYMPTOMS: Irritability; lack of sleep; sudden outbursts; general state of depression. Condition worsens during work shifts and visits to the in-laws that happen to take place during big storm cycles.
AILMENT: Hot Tub Rash
CAUSED BY: Too many men in the hot tub; staying in the hot tub for over three hours; poop in the hot tub.
SYMPTOMS: Dry, irritated, flaky skin; itchiness; red bumps on your ass.
AILMENT: The Worst Hangover You've Ever Had
CAUSED BY: Consuming copious amounts of alcohol at high elevations, often exacerbated by the evil combination of spring break, airline travel, happy hour, hot tubs, and, oh, what's this, an edible?
SYMPTOMS: Pounding headache; bloodshot eyes; cankles; sapped energy; intense craving for breakfast meats; strong aversion to anything that might lead to Traverse Butt.
This story originally appeared in the October 2017 (46.2) issue of POWDER. To have award winning stories delivered right to your door, in print, subscribe here.