Illustration: Tyler Hartlage
It's taken all season but finally, the rope is about to drop, you are first in line, and it is absolutely pounding. I mean, full diesel-powered Japanese-style powder hammering. But uh-oh. What's that rumble, rumble, gurgle? Oh, shit, you think. The coffee sludge and jalapeño bacon breakfast burrito you slammed needs somewhere to go. Fast. Someone in the lift line asks what that smell is. You look around innocently, but you know that if you get on that chair, there will be an explosion. So you slowly retreat, mumble something incomprehensible to your friends, clinch tightly, and shimmy to the bathroom stall where you start doing the I-have-to-drop-a-deuce-right-now dance while removing your extra layers with all the other jamokes who are seriously MISSING IT.
We've all been there. But no one wants to be. Now, you never have to miss a powder run again. Introducing the Big Dumps TI 5000, a high-performance undergarment for the most committed skier. Developed in collaboration with experts from the incontinence industry, these pull-on briefs have super ultra-absorption and protection, no matter how big the release. Meanwhile, a stretchy, wicking Spandex waist provides comfort and breathability all day long. Made with eight-layer Gore-Tex NeoGnarnia outer-fabric with locally sourced vegan merino wool liners and a titanium snapping closure, the Big Dumps TI 5000 skimps none of the details while ensuring maximum comfort and minimal leakage. Not only will you never miss it again, but, providing double-practicality, the garment is also ideal for the next time you are standing on top of a particularly frightening line, scared shitless. Time to get sick.
Skiing Hot: Avoid disastrous ski area bathroom stalls and maximize your shredding every day; extra butt warmth on the chairlift.
Skiing Not: You're an adult wearing a diaper.
This story originally appeared in the September 2017 (46.1) issue of POWDER. To have great stories delivered right to your door, in print, subscribe here.