Eight key numbers in skiing:
1. Triple cork 1440
2. 8,000 meters
3. 45 degrees
4. 223 cm
5. 150 days a season
6. Any amount of Hobbs Time in a helicopter
7. Double Daffy
8. Happy Hour 4-6
Eight distinct smells in my ski town apartment:
2. Bong water in carpet
3. Piney scent of firewood
4. Kyle’s old tele boot liners
5. Stale beer
7. I think the dog got in the dumpster again
8. Eau de Blown Knee
Eight Steps to Internet Fame for Skiers:
1. Dominate the World Cup, date Tiger Woods, win a downhill on a broken leg, rival Ingemar Stenmark for All Time Greatest Ski Racer, rap onstage with Vanilla Ice, do a butt-nekkid body paint photo shoot for the Sports Illustrated “swimsuit” issue, reference to JJ Watt’s groin area on the ESPY’s red carpet. Difficult, but apparently possible. Nobody can accuse Lindsey Vonn of Not Trying Hard Enough.
2. Crash Spectacularly
Much lower degree of difficulty, but you may have a limited number of attempts.
3. Ski the gnarliest line ever
If that doesn’t work out, can I have your touring skis?
4. Double Daffy On A Monoski
AKA the sound of one hand clapping.
5. Notably creepy sex tape
It worked for Kim Kardashian, it could work for you. #liveyourbestlife #blessed
6. Survive the biggest avalanche ever on a wind-loaded convex 38 degree slope that just happened to you out of nowhere, despite you’re being an experienced backcountry skier who only takes calculated risks.
I’m not sure if this works or not, but it’s a really popular strategy.
7. Shark Attack
Right behind notably creepy sex tape as the most viral thing ever. If people were one tenth as paranoid about avalanches as they are about sharks, visitors to Colorado would be turning their beacons on before the plane even touched down at DIA. I’m not sure how you could integrate a shark attack into a ski situation (chum the water around an iceberg and ski directly over the lurking beasts? Jump, Fonzie-style, over a shark tank?) but I’m sure that someone is developing an app for that.
8. Drop Lingerie Yoga Video
It’s worked in the ski industry before. I’d say more, but Cody Townsend is a good guy and he totally deserves the success he’s had.
Bonus totally conceptual idea that just might work:
Cover your naked body in high-flouro race wax, clench one GoPro in your teeth and another (mounted on a selfie stick) in your buttcheeks and penguin slide face-first down Corbet’s/The Palisades/Outer Limits. It could be the ultimate in freesking: free of skis, boots, poles, clothes, and inhibitions—just pure immersive acceleration and continuous face shots.