The Pain McShlonkey Classic saw its third iteration go down at a very springy Squaw Valley this Saturday, and it marked the only time of the year where people can snowlerblade down KT-22 without getting ruthlessly heckled, and can celebrate said snowlerblading by slurping from a giant bottle of Jack Daniels at the base area sans problem. Two separate events made up the meat of this contest/drunken costume party for adult skiers/memorial for Shane McConkey: the top-to-bottom Chinese Downhill off KT-22 at the burly and boilerplate hour of 9 AM, and the Extreme Small Mountain Invitational through the moguls and double stage “cliffs” of Enchanted Forest.

With perennial dominator Daron Rahlves out of the competition with a dislocated hip, first place in the Chinese Downhill was a wide-open battle. “There were a lot of surprise winners,” said Sherry McConkey. “I think a lot of people were still drunk from the night before.” Given that this was far from your run of the mill contest focused on skill, talent, and athletic perseverance, anecdotes do a far better job of inundating you, dear reader, in the gritty booze-and-snowlerblade-soaked details of this wildly radical event. So do yourself a favor and pan the above photos for some tasty captions. Or you could always just read the below results and get on with your work day. But Shane would be pissed.

Chinese Downhill (Men)

1. Ryland Mauck-Duff
2. Ben Paciotti
3. Nicolas Anderson

Chinese Downhill (Women)

1. Amie Engerbretson
2. Shawna Anzures
3. Jackie Paaso

Extreme Small Mountain comp (Men)

1. Timmy Dutton
2. Aaron Mcgovern
3. Ingrid Backstrom’s brother aka Ralph Backstrom

Extreme Small Mountain comp (Women)

1. Quincy Young
2. Rachael Burks
3. Jackie Paaso & Shelly Robertson