Why is it that every fall we feel it necessary to get really drunk and burn skis at various Ullr Fests across the country to ensure a bountiful winter? How does singeing your eye lashes and releasing copious amounts p-tex into the ozone help with the winter’s snowfall? Jury is still out. But after studying this unique pagan phenomenon at where powder-hungry locals cast all prayers and inhibitions to the Nordic god of snow, this is what I discovered. Use these tips to unsure a bountiful winter the next time you circle up the wagons to pray for snow.
• ALWAYS bring a pop-up camper, tent, sleeping bag, or some similar shelter. You don’t want to drive down a windy mountain road after celebrating the mighty Ullr too hard. Your chances of getting lucky will also increase by approximately 60 percent.
• Bring beverages; cheap beer, good beer, wine coolers. It really doesn’t matter as long as you bring whiskey as a chaser. *Editor’s note: It is never OK to bring Fireball.
• Tell stories; amazing stories about chest deep pow (hold your hand up to your nipples to accentuate the deepness), never-ending couloirs, harrowing descents above cliffs, and that you time you made out with one of President Bush’s daughters in Crested Butte.
• Bring some fireworks. Pro-tip: Bottle rockets are actually designed to be shot out of one’s teeth or other body parts that will accepts the stick end of the rocket.
• Bring an instrument. Don’t know how to play? No problem. Give it to your buddy who went to band camp and watch as the party picks up. You’re an amazing singer-songwriter? Even better! Combine that with a pop-up camper and you’re on your way to sleeping with that babe from Jackson.
Bottle rockets are actually designed to be shot out of one’s teeth or other body parts that will accepts the stick end of the rocket.
• Give your buddies nicknames. Relate this back to one of your amazing stories. “Dude, remember that day you got blasted by that wall of sluff climbing that chest-deep coolie in a whiteout?! You burrowed your way out of that like a hedgehog!” Begin calling said friend ‘Hedgehog.’
• High fives must be given at alarming rates. Just watch the elbow, especially later in the evening.
• If you’re wearing a puffy, which you should be or you’re not a real skier, throw a hard shell over it. This will protect the delicate fabric of the puffy from the fiery debris of bottle rockets and burning P-tex. This look also helps solidify your ability to handle extreme terrain.
• Bring a shot-ski. Always bring a shot-ski (or split-shot…if you’re into that kind of thing). This will bring you and three to four strangers together, which is the first step to world peace.
• Full moons are a plus. Pro-tip: Casually mention that you celebrate the full moon every month with late night meditation and yoga. This, plus that puffy, and you’re guaranteed company from the Jackson babe after the party.