The Jaded Local: Vonn Is Out

On the bright side, without their female lead, the corporate marketing big shots are probably freaking out

Lindsey Vonn, the fastest woman on the planet, at the 2013 FIS Alpine Skiing World Cup in Lake Louise. PHOTO: Red Bull Content Pool

Lindsey Vonn, the fastest woman on the planet, at the 2013 FIS Alpine Skiing World Cup in Lake Louise. PHOTO: Red Bull Content Pool

Lindsey Vonn reblew her knee and is out of the Olympics. Sadly, she’ll have to return to sunbathing on Horny Tiger Woods’ yacht, Privacy. On the bright side, a whole lot of corporate marketing department budgets just got vaporized, which always makes me happy, and the big shots at NBC are probably freaking out. Not to mention the Russian Mafia, err, government. The $51 billion-plus show just lost its female lead. Who will be the face (and T&A) of the greatest Fascist Olympics since ’36? All we can hope for is that it turns out to be a super gay ice skater who risks the ire of the Russian Security Services to make out with his boyfriend during the medal ceremony.

Or alternately, for the raddest Russians on the planet, the outlawed punk feminist protest collective Pussy Riot, to show up and clown the ever lovin’ crap out of Mr. Putin and the whole corporate lovefest.

Now if only insufferable Bob Costas could sprain his mouth, having claimed recently that slopestyle was basically “Jackass” on skis. Nothing in sports is worse than his smug moralizing, as if sports were a sacred ground, a holy metaphorical narrative, as if adults playing children’s games were important, and athletes owed society a certain Standard Of Nobility that Bob Costas will be more than happy to articulate with maximum pomposity. If there’s one thing that would be Good For The Sport, it would be a categorical refusal from any and all skiers to speak with him.

I guess it would have been a little much to ask for the athletes to actually boycott an event designed and engineered for the PR benefit of a fascist dictator, his mafia bros, and the multinational corporations that are screwing this planet and everyone on it. But, hey, what’s a little personal integrity when you can Represent Your Country and Go For The Gold?”

Add a comment

  • ptor

    Too bad the Olympics aren’t in the USSA this year. No fascist dictators or mafia around those parts.

    • Mickey Wakefield

      well played, Ptor, well played.

  • Blepp

    Haha awesome!!!

  • Androo

    I love this

  • Shredthegnarpow

    Can I get an aaaaaameeeeenn!!

  • Testes

    As a fellow hater/cynic/Vonn schadenfreude lover: either learn to use its/it’s correctly, or I will kick you squarely in the nuts.

  • Vexious

    oh how edgy, complete with the de rigueur anti-corporate bs.

  • mr. tea

    geeze dude who stepped on your nuts this morning. i guess it’s true, those that don’t measure up, hate

  • floater

    I think you meant alternatively, not alternately unless you mean for the gay skater and pussy riot to alternate enraging Putin. And the 3rd paragraph, run on much? Love your articles in the magazine after it has been proofed.

  • Snowrider

    This is by far the most rediculous article I’ve ever read. Take it down a notch and write about skiing. Sorry you didn’t get the job at US News and World Report.

  • AK

    Zander likey.

  • Skimohr

    Thank you Derek. I hope you will submit this as an op-ed to the world’s major media outlets.

  • Keith

    Good one Jaded! but why did u switch to T&A.? It was funnier spelled out!

  • Dmitri Goski

    The JL’s jabs are, more or less, all good points. Ptor, of course the US is gnarly with fascist dictators (corporate or otherwise) and gnarly mafia types. That’s the legacy of senseless consumption. But we can be reasonably sure that virtually ALL of the $50+ billion spent on Sochi is filthy money. Maybe one of the filthiest olympics ever… But hey, as long as White rakes in some more endorsement money then, uh, sick bro. And yeah, let’s go easy on the poor corporate machine. I mean look at all the good it brings to the world. Without it, all the landfill dozer operators wouldn’t have work. And then who would push around the 4 tons of “environmentally sustainable” plastic forks that Squaw Valley tosses into landfill every season?

  • squarebacktriggerguard

    Costas does suck. Hearing him talk about skiing is as bad as hearing his stupid three minutes on Sunday night

  • Vtskier1

    Sorry, I couldn’t follow what you were writing….I was too busy looking at all the ads to the right.

  • Tabke

    ptor thinks you’re a corporate whore, the others think you’re not enough of one. I’m just pissed the article wasn’t longer.

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