Troubling Trends: “Make Skiing Great Again”

Because a boost from Donald Trump’s trademarked slogan is exactly what salty skier nostalgia needs

Kids these days have too much Gore-Tex and not enough understanding of what it means to suffer. I mean, have they ever gotten frostbite? Have they ever made a turn without documenting it for Instagram? They know how to track the total distance they ski and record their fastest speeds, but do they even know how to repair a jacket with duct tape?

If you’re frustrated with the lack of available mediums with which to express your curmudgeonly gripes (because social media is obviously out), try this “Make Skiing Great Again” cap, new from J Skis.

This hat is a beacon for your dome. Follow me to the future! Er, the past. PHOTO: J Skis
This hat is a beacon for your dome. Follow me to the future! Er, the past. PHOTO: J Skis

Maybe people will buy this hat because they genuinely want to support The Donald’s bid for the GOP nomination. Others possibly because they need a new hat.

But Trump would want more from you. Put the full power of this slogan to work.

Technology is awful, selfies are awful, the POV-ification of this honest and pure sport is obviously awful. And there’s not enough complaining about it! Slip on this sporty red snapback to do your part.

This hat is the perfect enabler for the bitter sentimentality you feel, justifiably, because you’re the first ever generation of elders to be irritated by the advancements that made life cushy just moments after you put in your time figuring it out the hard way.

Tell women—without even opening your mouth—that you wish we could wind back progress and return to the ‘50s, when they wore skin-tight suits to the mountain for your viewing pleasure and then went home to cook you a hearty dinner!

Bonus, this hat will also make sure everybody knows not to bitch and moan about their sore feet within your earshot, because they’ll know you remember the old days, when ski boots were really uncomfortable (a.k.a. made of soft, supple leather). Double-bonus, you’ll be able to easily tell the real skiers apart from the hatless nerds invading your favorite dark, dingy, once-upon-a-time undiscovered bar.

And hey, great idea here, maybe we can build a wall around every skiable mountain to keep millennial punks and their selfie sticks out! They’re so dialed into their smartphones, they’ll probably just walk into the wall and bounce off. Problem solved. Thanks, Trump.

Sadly the hats are currently sold out, but a new batch is on its way in time for Christmas delivery. Order up!

Oh, and if you’re the guy who replied to the Bernie Sanders-lovers commenting on J Skis’ Facebook post about this hat, “Lmaoo my generation blows,” well, just know that you’re ahead of the curve. A tip of my hat to you, friend.