PHOTO: Andre Charland
PHOTO: Andre Charland

How to Not be a Dumbass Tourist

A simple guide to playing it cool on your next ski vacation

1. Ski boots are supposed to be tight.

2. Skis go together, over your shoulder, with tips pointing forward. While walking upstairs, hold poles in an upright fashion to avoid stabbing the person in the eye behind you.

3. Do not put your phone next to your ski pass. Otherwise you'll be humping the lift ticket scanner. And that’s something nobody wants to see.

4. Do not say, "We can put a man on the moon but we can't design an adequate lift ticket scanning system." Actually, we can. Just don’t be a dumbass about it.

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5. Just because a waitress smiles at you does not mean she wants your phone number.

6. We know that California has better avocados. Shut up.

7. Be nice to the locals. They're here to ski, too, and probably live in a shack with five other roommates while earning minimum wage and getting constantly hammered by their parents to move back home and "get a real job."

8. Tip well. Tip often.

9. Seahawks fan, huh? It was so hard to tell from that really attractive jersey.

10. If a hitchhiker has skis, pick him/her up.

11. That smell of the hitchhiker? That, my friend, is the real smell of freedom.

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12. Please refrain from slamming the safety bar down on the heads of everyone else on the chair.

13. Please refrain from shouting financial matters into your cell phone at the top of the mountain or anywhere else within 500 feet of snow or ski equipment. I don't care if Jimmy back in New York took 20 percent when he wasn't supposed to take less than 25. Just shut up and look at the view.

14. But yes, I will take a photo of you and your family.

15. That GoPro makes you look awesome, by the way. You should definitely keep wearing it.

16. If you suddenly discover yourself on a black diamond or other similarly frightening slope, please leave your skis on.

17. There are some places on the mountain that don't have tracks for a reason.

18. If you don't know, don't go.

PHOTO: Andre Charland